Feeling Helpless…

My father, suffering from Parkinson’s disease, has advanced dementia. The doctors now think he has dementia not only from Parkinson’s, but also dementia on its own–double dementia, I guess you could call it.

When I spoke with my mother yesterday, she said that my father told her that he has called me one hundred times, but I haven’t answered the phone, so I don’t know what’s going on with him.

She told him that he must have dreamed this, because his nursing home doesn’t have my number. Nor would they call me long distance.

I think he believes that, if I knew what his life was like in the nursing home, I would save him.

Years ago, when we put my maternal grandmother in a nursing home, my father was visibly agitated as we walked down the hall to leave. He said to me, “If I ever end up in one of these places, pull the plug.”

But I can’t do that, regardless of how sad I am about his failing body and mind, regardless of how devastated I am that he can no longer live at home.

I know he feels helpless.

I feel so helpless too.

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