20th Week of Pregnancy – and 100th Blog Post

Last night, when I logged onto my “blog stats” page, I saw that I’d posted 99 entries to date.  Because I was feeling too tired to write, I decided I could take yesterday off, writing today’s post as a celebration of two personal triumphs:  Today, I hit the 20-week mark in my pregnancy—the half-way point—and today I am also publishing my 100th blog post since launching my website in July.

But, instead of being capable of writing the meaningful post I’d planned, I’ve spent the day feeling exhausted, dizzy and emotional. 

I slept during my 2½ afternoon hours of free time, while my 4-year-old son was in preschool.

Tonight, I lounged on the couch, watching the two-hour season finale of Private Practice, which I’d recorded on DVR.  In it, a fetus, 23 weeks in utero, required life-saving brain surgery, a 7-year-child almost died after suffering a head injury and carbon monoxide poisoning in a fire, and a spouse died of extensive burns from the same fire. 

So, the program addressed all of my greatest fears:  losing my husband, my three sons or the unborn son I’m carrying. 

I sobbed. 

My husband said, “You’re banned from ever watching that show.”

“You don’t even know what I was watching…”

“I know, but you’re banned.”

“It was the season finale, anyway, so you don’t need to worry.”

I took a bath to try to feel better, and now here I am, in bed, propped up by pillows, writing a post that’s less than I’d intended it to be.

But, I realize that today is a triumph regardless.  

Six years ago, I wanted a family so desperately that I had my son on my own, via insemination with donor sperm.  I suffered from infertility, so it took seven tries.  I met my husband nine days before I got pregnant, and he stayed.  We got married three years ago, and he adopted my son immediately afterward.   He has two sons from his previous marriage, so I am a stepmother to them, now ages 15 and 13.  And, I’m pregnant again, via IVF, at age 41.  It’s a high-risk pregnancy, but I’m half-way to holding my son in my arms. 

The reason I was such a mess tonight is that I have so much to lose—because I have a family.

So, tonight, I’m celebrating my 20th week of pregnancy, my 100th blog post, my husband and my three sons.  I’m celebrating the fact that I have a family.

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